


jilted.

by life_unsolved



Series: the embraced. [2]
Category: L.A. By Night, LA by Night, Vampire: The Masquerade, Vampire: The Masquerade- L.A. By Night (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of past abuse, it's another character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18301880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/life_unsolved/pseuds/life_unsolved
Summary: Nelli woke up alone. She hated waking up alone, especially if she had gone to bed with someone.Usually, that someone is Victor.





	jilted.

**Author's Note:**

> I have not improved my writing at all, so prepare for that. Still unbeta'd so forgive my mistakes. Please feel free to comment advice or tips or anything because I am (still) not a writer. I was thinking about doing one of these for each of the coterie, but we'll see. I was working on this one and Victor's at the same time, but you don't need to read one to read the other.

Nelli woke up alone.

She jolted awake suddenly, almost jumping out of bed. She’d been having a nightmare. It was familiar, one she’s had most nights since "The Incident," as they’d taken to calling it. She dreamt she was back in the ruined basement of the church, still staked on the beam. She could feel parts of the brick and wood pinning her down, digging into her skin and tearing into her clothes. She watched, immobile, as Daffodil spent night after night trying to dig her out, but it was hopeless. In her dreams he was just as loyal and weak. She watched the moon drop in the sky, inching closer towards the horizon.

Sometimes the sun reached her before she could get out. Those nights, she woke up scratching at her own skin in a desperate attempt to stop the burning. Sometimes, Antonio came back and killed Greg. Those were the nights she kept him close. He was usually gracious enough to pretend that he didn’t notice her watching him. One particularly horrible night, her sister came back and the two of them pulled her free, only for her to lose control and drain them both. That night, not even the Chanel survived her frustration.

Tonight was different. This time, she watched paralyzed as Victor sneered at her from above. He had a unaturally beautiful woman on his arm. One minute it’s Victoria Ash, in the next it’s her Suzanne. For half a second, it was Paulina and even paralyzed she was infuriated. _Devastated,_ the voice in her head corrected. The face had changed constantly. A colorful collage of Toreadors, all better than her. _“Isn’t she gorgeous, Nelli? She’s just perfect,”_ Victor cooed at her. _“And no ghosts with this one. I hope there aren’t any like, hard feelings or anything. You just make it so hard to love you.”_ Nelli watched as he left her to the sun with his new girl on his arm, planning an expansion of his club. 

The moonlight helped her make out shapes in the darkness. The thick, blackout curtains had been pulled aside and she could see most of the city through the large windows. Victor was braver than her. There were no windows in her bedroom. She could see the darkened shape of the vanity and the dresser that she’d picked out for him. There was a blinking red light from the TV that was mounted on the wall. She tried to focus on the flicker and push everything else from her mind. She took deep, deliberate breaths, putting one hand to her chest as if to still her silent heart. _Just a dream, just a dream._ She hated waking up alone, especially if she'd gone to bed with someone. That had been one of Chaz’s favorite tricks. Getting her into bed, and then kicking her out.

Or when things had been at their worst, he would leave before she woke up and lock the door behind him. She remembered days spent yelling apologies until she was hoarse, begging to be let out. She could still see the disgusted look he gave her after a particularly long “grounding”. It had been four days. Four days with no food and no sign of ever seeing outside of those four walls again. When the door had opened, she’d rush to him. She tried to wrap her arms around him and explain. He’d pulled away. 

_“You look a fright. Get off of me before you sully my suit.” She’d been wrinkled and a little dirty. Her clothes were covered in her own previous vitae. Her hair was limp and frizzy. It was funny how little her appearance mattered when she thought she was going to die. She felt like she was made of paper. Chaz wasn’t impressed. “Honestly, Nelli, I expect that you would take better care of yourself. You only have yourself to blame.”_

Even when things had been good, there had always been excuses. In the early days when she’d asked Chaz to stay, he’d said that he had better things to do. That he had to take care of things for her. He told her that if she was stronger they would have more time together, but, _“As usual, I’ve got to take care of your mess. Make yourself scarce until I’m ready to look at you again. And if you see Donna, tell her I’m looking for her, won’t you?”_ She shook her head slightly and tried to clear the doubts away.

She didn’t go to sleep alone. She'd fallen asleep with her head pressed against Victor’s silent chest. His bed was huge. A California king draped in expensive, cream-colored linens that she helped him pick out. His bed was the ultimate shrine to unnecessary comfort, with a thick duvet and a quilt and the dozen or so throw pillows she had insisted on. The frame was a beautiful wrought iron thing welded into a modern, rustic piece. She had rolled her eyes the first few times she’d been here, but she secretly loved it.

She loved feeling small in the sea of blankets. She loved that she could have her space if she wanted it, not that she ever really did. She enjoyed falling asleep in Victor’s arms. She would never admit it, but he made her feel secure. Protected. Which was funny to think about, because they both knew that she was the one to watch out for. He once said that she was, “As beautiful as a sunrise, and twice as deadly.” Being held by him in those moments comforted her in a way that she couldn’t explain and they were so rare.

The most of the times they’d been together like this, she usually run off before the sun rose. Victor had always insisted that she was welcome, but she preferred the security of her own home. He’d done his best to make her comfortable. She still liked to leave before he could change his mind.

Her breathing calmed. Her eyes adjusted to the dark. The bathroom light was off and the bedroom door was cracked. She hated sleeping with the door closed and she hated that Victor knew that about her. She never intended to sleep with him, not like this anyway. Waking up with him was more intimate than sex in some ways, especially to a creature like her. Those rare occasions made her nervous.

She could count on both hands all the times they had spent their day-sleep together. After they found those kids in the shipping container during her first launch. She could still remember the look of disgusted despair that he had given her as they opened up the container and found those little bodies huddling for warmth. After they got in touch with the police, he’d given her what she’d later dub “The Look”. He looked at her like he was drowning and she was a life-preserver. They’d spent the day together again on her sister’s birthday. This was before they’d been reconnected. She’d cried for well over an hour, then she started driving. She didn’t have a location in mind. She ended up outside his house. He found her sitting in his driveway. He brought her inside and made her feel like a person again. Or at least, like whatever they were now. Once more, on the anniversary of something that Victor wouldn’t tell her about. He had begged her to come over and then he begged her to stay. She let him hold her close and pretended she didn’t notice him crying silently into her hair. Similar instances came to mind, when their coupling had been based on need rather than want. A need for company, companionship, understanding. A need to not be alone all of the time.

She could recall the desperation that had marked each occasion. Every kiss was tinged with sadness. She could taste hope dying between them. They spent the day together and she disappeared not long after night fell. Last night was supposed to be no different.

He had asked her to come home with him after they killed Chaz. After she killed Chaz. Jasper had made a disgusted, mocking sound. Annabelle had only wrinkled her nose, but despite their judgement she said yes. Even with the Suzanne stuck in her head, she knew Victor. He was giving her a look, the one that made it seem like he could read her mind. Sometimes he looked at her like he knew exactly what she was thinking and the concern across his face was what she needed. She needed someone who could help her forget while she tried to deal with the warring emotions that were inside of her.

Chaz was dead. She killed Chaz.

 _“Well done, Darling.”_

Bastard.

She walked in, took her shirt off, and turned to him. He was already shaking his head, but she kissed him anyway. She tried to put everything she was feeling into it. She tried to give everything to him. He could handle it. She tried to feel nothing at all. She didn’t want to feel anything. He pushed her away.

“It’s okay. We don’t need to do this,” he whispered to her. But the only other option was to think about it. She was pretty sure if she thought about it too much, she would cry. The kind of crying that made everyone look ugly, the one where breathing seemed impossible and that would leave her with a headache afterwards. Chaz didn’t deserve that. And Victor deserved better. She had pushed, but he hadn’t relented. He talked her into a shower. For being such a big person, Victor had always managed to be gentle with her. He helped her wash the blood off and washed it out of her hair for her when the numbness in her chest made her go still. When they were done, he sat her down and wrapped a bandage around her and helped her step into a pair of shorts she kept here. She let him lead her to bed, too busy fighting the haze to object. He turned on _Star Wars? Star Trek?_ She couldn’t tell the difference. She had scolded him for even having a TV in is room, but for once she was grateful he ignored her. He tried to explain what was happening to her and the sound of his voice had soothed her. She had fallen asleep with the weight of his arms around her, and she woke up alone. 

Victor had never let her wake up completely alone before. There had been one time she awoke without seeing him immediately and had nearly flown into a panic. She yelled his name, and he came rushing in from the en suite with his toothbrush in his mouth, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. She couldn’t explain her tears then, but he still held her while she cried. She could still remember the regret and sorrow that had devastated his handsome face. _"I’m so sorry. So sorry, Nelli. I didn’t know. Please, I’m sorry."_ After she collected herself, she didn’t speak to him for a week. Mostly out of embarrassment rather than anything else, but his groveling had been appreciated. He had promised never to do it again, yet here she was. Alone.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and stretched as she looked around the room. There was a sharp pain in her chest from where Chaz had shot her. Her ruined clothes had been picked up and left neatly folded onto the vanity. She had a hamper here and a drawer, and a section in his closet, but he always made sure she could find her clothes. She smiled despite herself. He knew she hated when her clothes were wrinkled and he always tried to be careful about where they ended up. Victor’s clothes had been kicked lazily to one side of the room, lined up along the brick that made up the far wall. She got up, shivering as her bare feet hit the cold hardwood. She tried to avoid the mirror, but she couldn’t help sneaking a peak at herself. She gently pulled the bandage away from her chest. Her body was a mess of bullet holes and slashes. She shuddered in disgust, and resolutely tried to ignore the rest of the mirrors. She wondered how Victor could even stand touching her when she looked like this. She couldn’t stand being herself when she looked like this. All broken and _ugly._

She went to the part of the closet where she kept her things. She put on her slippers and grabbed one of his shirts out of the hamper. It was a casual, cotton thing. A long-sleeve, dark grey shirt that hit her knees when she put it on. It smelled like him. She rolled the sleeves, and then pushed them back. She headed over to the entrance, and leaned against the door frame. She closed her eyes, and opened her hearing. She could hear voices coming from where she knew his home office was. They were scratchy and metallic, as if coming through a speaker. She opened her eyes, and silently headed out into the hall. The cream walls of the hall were littered with his accomplishments. Old awards from his basketball days sprinkled in with the newer ones he’d won for producing. It’d been a while since she’d been here. There were pictures up now. She stopped and studied a picture of herself and Annabelle, obviously in the middle of a conversation. He never got her good side, the blind fool. There was another picture of X and Annabelle with a shadow that might have been Jasper. There was a picture of an older couple and Nelli thought that Victor had his father’s smile. She supposed that the pictures were appropriate now. Everyone already knew that they were connected. He was the Baron, they were his coterie. It wasn’t as if they were in any more danger than before. As for the older couple, Victor was nearing 70. His parents must have been long gone. It wasn't as if anything could hurt them anymore. 

She walked quietly to his home office. The door was cracked and he was there. His office was a light charcoal. He had wall to wall bookcases in the back and more of his awards stared down at her. There were more pictures in here, too. He didn’t hear her approach, that much was obvious. He was staring intently at his desktop as she walked towards him, and he jumped when she reached out and touched his shoulder.

“Rough day?” She joked as her eyes scanned the screen.

The sunlight in the video hit the grass in ways that she had forgotten. A younger Victor had his arms wrapped around one boy, while an identical one hung off his back. The three of them were laughing as Victor attempted to wrestle the children into the ground. The boys couldn’t have been more than seven, and the resemblance was clear. Marc and Isaiah Temple would grow into fine young men.

The shrill cries of “Daddy!” were accompanied by playful roars and growls from the living Victor. A female voice laughed in the background, and warned him not to be too rough. Her Victor paused the screen, and tried to morph his stoic features into something that resembled a smile. He looked like that more and more these nights. She hated it.

“I didn’t hear you get up. I’m so sorry, Nelli. I thought I had more time,” he whispered to her. “You know I would never leave you alone.”

She shook her head dismissively, tried to shake away the warmth his words brought her. Without thinking, she reached out to brush his face. “Good morning,” She murmured hesitantly.

He leaned into her and laughed a little. “I think it’s like six o’clock actually, but good morning. How are you feeling?” 

He looked at her in a way that made her feel exposed. There was suddenly a lump in her throat. The vitae came back to her eyes, and she shook her head slightly. He pushed his desk chair back a little, as if to get up, and she sat down in his lap thoughtlessly. He raised a surprise eyebrow at her. She fought against a blush that would never come, and shrugged. She wasn’t known for being affectionate, but sometimes he made her forget herself.

“I want to see. I mean, if you’ll let me. If it’s okay.” 

There was a pause. He gave her a long look, before wordlessly clicking again and bringing the screen back to life. Victor chased his boys around a large yard, and they were giggling as they tried to outrun him. Nelli inspected them closely. One of them was just a hair taller than the other, and one of them had a small scar near his temple. She pointed to that one, “This one is Marc, right?”

VIctor looked at her with a small smile, and nodded. “You’re quicker than me. It took me years before I could tell them apart. Their mom had to label them for me sometimes.” 

The pain came back into his eyes as the female voice called out again. Nelli had never asked about her. She had only known about the twins for a few months and there wasn’t a good time. If she was being honest with herself, and she rarely was, she was a little unnerved by this woman. The mystery woman that Victor had obviously loved, or maybe even still loved. She watched him from beneath her eyelashes and watched the pain overtake his face. Maybe it was better not to ask. There was no need to drag up old wounds.

They watched the video together quietly. The boys were boisterous and messy. They didn’t care about their clothes or how they looked. They wanted to see who could run the fastest, who was better at climbing trees. Nelli smiled despite the lingering fear. They were young, and vibrant, and alive. It was one of the most beautiful things she’d ever seen. Nelli would never have children. Her body wouldn’t allow it. She would be young and beautiful forever, but there was a price for that. She hadn’t wanted children when she was alive. She hadn’t even thought about them. She had barely been out of college. Children weren’t even on her radar. Her own sister was eight and impossible. She was young and invincible. She was supposed to have more time for things like that. For living. For a second she imagined a dark-haired girl with her eyes and Victor’s smile. The pang of longing was so sudden, she didn’t have a chance to stop it. She pushed those feelings down with the rest of them, where they couldn't hurt her. The Victor onscreen delighted in being tackled by the twins. Despite what Annabelle had said about him, Nelli knew that Victor had to be an excellent father. She could see it right in front of her. She had seen it when he was with Annabelle, sometimes, in his eyes. Victor tightened his grip on her as the boys played.

“Nelli, he knows who they are. He told me. He knows them by name and we just killed his herald.” The words tore into the air as if they had been waiting all day for this. The emptiness in his voice returned in full force, and she leaned her head into his neck.

“We’ll protect them.” She whispered. “We won’t let anything happen to them. Or Isa, or Ellenore.” She worried her lip with her teeth for a moment. They were all in so much danger. Everything was so fucking impossible. There was no way out. She tucked her hair behind her ear. _God, there’s no way out._

“How?” He demanded lifelessly.

She stared at the screen from the comfort of his arms. It was the only light in the darkened room, and she found her eyes catching the boys again and again as the minutes passed. Their happiness seemed to suck all of the life from the room. 

“I don’t know.” She admitted.

He shifted her in his arms, and she pulled back. He looked her in the eyes, and stared at her wordlessly for a moment. Then his arms tighten around her, and she felt him press a kiss to her head. More tears seemed to well up from nowhere and God, she was so sick of crying all the damn time. She should be strong enough to stop crying. She was strong enough to leave San Francisco. She was strong enough to kill Chaz, for fuck’s sake. It hit her again, like a ton of bricks. _Chaz is dead, you killed him. You killed Chaz._ She closed her eyes against the thought and blinked out the tears. She had to be stronger than this if she was going to survive. She had to get over it. She had to stop being hung up on death and murder and the unthinkable. She tried to avoid staining Victor’s shirt as she dried her face.

“Nelli, if I die I want you to take them.” He whispered, deliberately not looking at her. 

“What?”

“I mean it,” his voice hardened. 

“If they kill me, take my sons, take everyone, and run. Sell the company. You’ve always wanted to go international. Take them to Paris or Milan. Help Annabelle save the freaking whales or something. Just get them away from here.” He softened and intertwined their fingers. 

They held hands all the time, it was practically second nature at this point. She wondered when it stopped being for show and started being for them. She fought the wave of comfort that it brought her. She pretended her hand didn’t miss his when they were apart.

“You’re smart, you’re brilliant. You could make it. Get out of LA. Get out of the country. Keep them safe,” he pleaded quietly.

She contemplated the world without Victor for a horrible moment. The world without his jokes, without his smile, without his joy. She tried to imagine her world without his presence. She hated waking up alone. She could stock her bed with as many ghouls as she’d like, but it wasn’t the same. Victor was one of the few people who knew what she was and loved her anyway. _He loves me_ , and the truth of that was not something she could face maybe ever. The thought of being without him was so horrendous that she shuddered. Everything she did was about survival. Her stomach plummeted as she came to a dark realization. _Would you want to survive without him?_ She thought before she could stop herself. She tried to build a wall around the question, but it was already too late. She knew. She didn't deserve him.

“Please, Nelli. You’re the only one I can trust. We don’t know who’s on our side anymore.” 

He gave her the drowning look, the one that she hated because he looked so lost and Victor should never look like that. She nodded before she could stop herself. He needed this and she wouldn’t be the one to deny him right now. Not after last night. Not after every time he held her like she was made of diamonds, utterly precious.

“I will,” She lied. 

She wondered if Victor would ever forgive her if she died with him. Or for him. For all of them. He was smart enough to be able to figure out that it was selfish. Or at least, he knew her well enough. He pressed another kiss to her temple and whispered his thanks. Twin peals of laughter rang out in the background and the room seemed to breathe again. She reveled in his heat as she curled more deeply into him as she tried to figure out how to ask for forgiveness. 

_His forgiveness isn’t what you should be worried about,_ the voice in her head whispered quietly.

 _Shut up,_ she snapped back mentally.

The voice was blessedly silent and Nelli was alone in her mind once more.

 _Bitch._


End file.
